Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
