There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
