Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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