it was like a zeppelin in a condom
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize