Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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