Cold hands, warm shart.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
