She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
