I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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