the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i came on her dog
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
