I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize