I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
