I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
