this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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