Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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