3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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