No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize