6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
