enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
