Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
