I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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