he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
