i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
