Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
