2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
