you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
