True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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