I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
