Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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