this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
