I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
