he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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