I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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