thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
