The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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