Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
