I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
