Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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