i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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