he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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