Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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