I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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