Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
