Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
