you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
