i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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