Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize