matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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