It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Randomize
