Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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