dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
