Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
