Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
