I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The air was thick with penises
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
