mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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