Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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