i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
