Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
ttyl tear gas
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
