I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
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