Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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