Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
