Don't you send me to vm
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
